It was a pivotal day.
The earliest memory I have of seeing him was on my 8th birthday; my dad
Walked through the doors into a house full of children playing
I was in the middle of something which I don’t even remember
because my eyes caught a hold of him.
He was never around, but no one had to tell me that he was my dad.
Inwardly I felt it! And this was the day I had been longing to experience.
To be with him.
Joy over flooded my heart. This little boys dream came true!
Because when he walked into the room everything changed.
I felt love embrace me as my father gave me a hug.
He presented me with a gift, but all I wanted was him.
As quickly as we breathe our next breath, he left!
All the emotional excitement I felt, was strangled to death when he left.
I cried no tears, but inwardly I was an emotional wreck trying to process why he left.
My heart felt like it was shredded to pieces and trampled on by his abandonment of me. He left!
Feelings of being unloved were boiling inside me. He left!
The quantity of the materialistic gift he gave me could not replace the quality time I long for. He left! … And I hated him.
The pain was too much to carry, so I made vow and I became married to disowning him.
I suppressed my feelings, making a pledge of allegiance to not experience that pain again.
With no father I was a boy with no identity.
People in authority became a mockery to me.
My closest ally was rebellion while faith in God became the enemy
It was a pivotal day
December 31st 2006 I was given a surprise birthday party
When God walked into the room of my heart everything changed.
His presence consumed my spirit, soul, and body.
His love then embraced me and He gave me a gift.
Jesus Christ became my savior, but I was still lord over the wounds my father left me.
My perspective of God was smeared by the aggravating pain that I tried to suppress
And every day I would address my mess in the mirror and a dress myself up
Making sure not to forget my foggy mask so people could think I was A-Okay!…
but I wasn’t
God seemed distant, but He wasn’t
His loved seemed to be contingent on my performance
But my performance had an ending, while His love expands from everlasting to everlasting.
And because God loves me so much He took my broken heart in His hand and began…
On Father’s Day at church it was customary for the children to say something great about their dads
But I felt like I was a puppet in a show
So I protested with silence and had my own personal sit-in
I hated Father’s Day
My mom was embarrassed, but at that moment I couldn’t careless
I ran into the back of the church and cried bitterly.
After so many years the pain was back again, I tried my hardest to surpass them… until I heard
“Ralph I will be Your Father.”
Peace descended like the dew in the morning dawn and then in dawned on me that God is my Father.
God is a Father to the fatherless
A revelation that was etched into my DNA
And now once again I’m A-Okay, but that was only the beginning.
Christ came to set the captives free
And I was in captivity by my inner vows; the roots that entangled me.
The nasty grime of anger, bitterness, disappointment and hurt piled up in my life
And the only cleaning solution was to repent of my inner vows and forgive my father.
Stuck in a standstill I felt like I was playing chess with God
I pondered different moves that I could possibly make
When I didn’t realize God had me at checkmate.
This was the deciding factor of freedom in my life
But no one told me it would be so hard.
My throat felt like it was in a knot chocking the breath out of me
I tried to push myself to do it, Forgiveness!?,
but there was an invisible wall blocking me.
I started weeping profusely; Forgiveness!?
Heart beating abnormally; Forgiveness!?
Emotions causing agony
Wondering if Jesus felt like this before His death in the Garden of Gethsemane?
I forgive him!
Was the words that pressed out of my mouth.
Why you left me, I may never know, but I forgive you.
Why you didn’t provide for me I may never know, but I forgive you.
Why you never said you love me, I may never know, but I forgive you.
Forgiveness felt like freedom and
God’s word was my healing.
The Heavenly Father says, I will never leave you nor forsake you, and His thoughts toward me are more than the grain in the sand… (Deuteronomy 31:6; Psalm 139:17-18)
The wound of abandonment could no longer stand, it was healed.
I have loved you with an everlasting love; and with lovingkindness I have drawn you and continued My faithfulness to you… (Jeremiah 31:3)
The wound of feeling unloved began to regress, it was healed
He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love (Ephesians 1:4)
Knowing who I am comes from the Heavenly Father above, my identity was healed.
With father wounds now all healed
God took His blueprint for reconciliation and restored my relationship with my dad.
Seeing my father now is like once in a blue moon
But I become like that little boy again when he first walked into the room.
The difference this time is my love for him remains
Every day while lying face down or on my knees
I now take the time to intercede for my dad.
He’s daily in my prayers.
He too has father wounds that have not been healed
But I believe by faith and daily as I pray
That the Father He never knew he had would be revealed
And his wounds, though they may be deep
Shall be mended complete and he’ll live a life of
The beacon call of this generation who desires truth and justice that prompts activism
but may we become activist of total surrender to the healing hand of Christ.
So that a generation will be able to sing a song of jubilee
God has turned my father’s heart back to me
Tender, sweet, and complete
Wounds are healed, Relationships reconciled
I’m glad to say,
I’m my father’s child
Copyright © 2016 by Ralph J Monroe III
I love to write. These writings come from my time in the Word of God, from observation, and trails in life. I pray that you will be blessed as you read them.
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