The Hurt It was a pivotal day. The earliest memory I have of seeing him was on my 8th birthday; my dad Walked through the doors into a house full of children playing I was in the middle of something which I don’t even remember because my eyes caught a hold of him. He was never around, but no one had to tell me that he was my dad.
Inwardly I felt it! And this was the day I had been longing to experience. To be with him. Joy over flooded my heart. This little boys dream came true! Because when he walked into the room everything changed. I felt love embrace me as my father gave me a hug. He presented me with a gift, but all I wanted was him. And then…. As quickly as we breathe our next breath, he left! All the emotional excitement I felt, was strangled to death when he left. I cried no tears, but inwardly I was an emotional wreck trying to process why he left. My heart felt like it was shredded to pieces and trampled on by his abandonment of me. He left! Feelings of being unloved were boiling inside me. He left! The quantity of the materialistic gift he gave me could not replace the quality time I long for. He left! … And I hated him. The pain was too much to carry, so I made vow and I became married to disowning him. I suppressed my feelings, making a pledge of allegiance to not experience that pain again. With no father I was a boy with no identity. People in authority became a mockery to me. My closest ally was rebellion while faith in God became the enemy The Healing It was a pivotal day December 31st 2006 I was given a surprise birthday party When God walked into the room of my heart everything changed. His presence consumed my spirit, soul, and body. His love then embraced me and He gave me a gift. Salvation. Jesus Christ became my savior, but I was still lord over the wounds my father left me. My perspective of God was smeared by the aggravating pain that I tried to suppress And every day I would address my mess in the mirror and a dress myself up Making sure not to forget my foggy mask so people could think I was A-Okay!… but I wasn’t God seemed distant, but He wasn’t His loved seemed to be contingent on my performance But my performance had an ending, while His love expands from everlasting to everlasting. And because God loves me so much He took my broken heart in His hand and began… To heal On Father’s Day at church it was customary for the children to say something great about their dads But I felt like I was a puppet in a show So I protested with silence and had my own personal sit-in I hated Father’s Day My mom was embarrassed, but at that moment I couldn’t careless I ran into the back of the church and cried bitterly. After so many years the pain was back again, I tried my hardest to surpass them… until I heard “Ralph I will be Your Father.” Peace descended like the dew in the morning dawn and then in dawned on me that God is my Father. God is a Father to the fatherless A revelation that was etched into my DNA And now once again I’m A-Okay, but that was only the beginning. Christ came to set the captives free And I was in captivity by my inner vows; the roots that entangled me. The nasty grime of anger, bitterness, disappointment and hurt piled up in my life And the only cleaning solution was to repent of my inner vows and forgive my father. Stuck in a standstill I felt like I was playing chess with God I pondered different moves that I could possibly make When I didn’t realize God had me at checkmate. This was the deciding factor of freedom in my life But no one told me it would be so hard. My throat felt like it was in a knot chocking the breath out of me I tried to push myself to do it, Forgiveness!?, but there was an invisible wall blocking me. I started weeping profusely; Forgiveness!? Heart beating abnormally; Forgiveness!? Emotions causing agony Wondering if Jesus felt like this before His death in the Garden of Gethsemane? I forgive him! Was the words that pressed out of my mouth. Why you left me, I may never know, but I forgive you. Why you didn’t provide for me I may never know, but I forgive you. Why you never said you love me, I may never know, but I forgive you. Forgiveness felt like freedom and God’s word was my healing. The Heavenly Father says, I will never leave you nor forsake you, and His thoughts toward me are more than the grain in the sand… (Deuteronomy 31:6; Psalm 139:17-18) The wound of abandonment could no longer stand, it was healed. I have loved you with an everlasting love; and with lovingkindness I have drawn you and continued My faithfulness to you… (Jeremiah 31:3) The wound of feeling unloved began to regress, it was healed He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love (Ephesians 1:4) Knowing who I am comes from the Heavenly Father above, my identity was healed. The Hope With father wounds now all healed God took His blueprint for reconciliation and restored my relationship with my dad. Seeing my father now is like once in a blue moon But I become like that little boy again when he first walked into the room. The difference this time is my love for him remains Every day while lying face down or on my knees I now take the time to intercede for my dad. He’s daily in my prayers. He too has father wounds that have not been healed But I believe by faith and daily as I pray That the Father He never knew he had would be revealed And his wounds, though they may be deep Shall be mended complete and he’ll live a life of Freedom The beacon call of this generation who desires truth and justice that prompts activism but may we become activist of total surrender to the healing hand of Christ. So that a generation will be able to sing a song of jubilee (Sing) God has turned my father’s heart back to me Tender, sweet, and complete Wounds are healed, Relationships reconciled I’m glad to say, I’m my father’s child Copyright © 2016 by Ralph J Monroe III
3 Comments
Rhealynn
3/16/2016 12:29:36 am
I cried profusely reading this. Not knowing that you felt the same pain I felt. So many emotions!! Yet and still, seeing dad, I'm that protective little daddy's girl all over again! There's so much me in this! I love you bro!!
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Ralph
3/16/2016 05:52:41 pm
Thanks sister!! Love you too!!
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Kimerly Robinson
3/21/2016 09:32:54 am
I, love this passage of testimony from you. I felt the Hurt, I've seen the Healing, and understand the Hope. Thanks for allowing God to work through you for others to see.
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AboutI love to write. These writings come from my time in the Word of God, from observation, and trails in life. I pray that you will be blessed as you read them. Archives
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